Questions and Answers
Email me with any questions that you have and I will post my
response on this page
Q: What does it actually mean to "let go" of something
A: We all experience upsetting situations in our lives. The fact of
the matter is that these situations are, in reality, over and done
but what is left over are our emotional reactions to the situation.
When I talk about letting go I am talking about letting go of our
emotions about the situation.
Q: But aren't certain emotions normal in a situation?
A: Of course they are. And it is not that we should not feel
certain feelings. The question is how long we hang on to the
feelings. Some people hang on to certain feelings way beyond
their time. Some people hang on to certain feelings for a lifetime
and are never able to let go.
Q: This sounds a lot like "just get over it". Is that what I
am understanding you to say?
A: Telling yourself or someone else to just "get over it" is not
what this work is about. The truth is, we feel what we feel and we
need to acknowledge what we feel whether it is to ourselves or to
another. Yes, we do need to get over things for our own
happiness and well-being but it is more than just commanding
ourselves to do so. We need to acknowledge and accept our
emotions for what they are, and to evaluate for ourselves what a
certain emotion is doing to us, how it is effecting us, before we
can choose to let it go. We also need to evaluate our resistances
to letting go because all of us have them. As human beings we
often feel more secure in our misery than opening ourselves up
to the unknown of possibilities.
Q: You talk about therapy taking a short time. You've even
used words like "instant" therapy. How can therapy be so
quick? I know some people who have been in therapy for
a long time.
A: One factor that often determines the length of therapy is the
therapist's viewpoint and definition of the therapeutic process.
Many therapists are steeped in the writings and techniques of
Freud who gave a lot of importance to uncovering early childhood
experiences and developing a "transference" with the therapist.
And of course the assumption is that this process takes a long
time sometimes years or, as in Woody Allen's case, a lifetime.
Unless you are in psychoanalysis, the stereotype of "lying on the
couch" is a thing of the past. I do believe that we are a product
of our past experiences but it is the emotions that we carry in
the present that grew out of these experiences that are still with
us. This is why the focus on the present is essential. When you
address your present emotions, whatever they are, you are at
the same time dealing with your past. You don't necessarily have
to go back and dig things up.
Q: It seems like your approach is too easy or even
superficial.
A: I would say my approach is simple but not necessarily easy
because we still must address certain inner resistances. That is
what usually takes some time, and courage, to understand all of
your fears and resistances to letting go. And many people do not
take responsibility for their emotions and consequently get into
the blame game, the victim game or denial game, so we first need
to identify the emotions and then unravel all of the things that
keep you stuck with it. When you can undo all of the things that
keep an emotion stuck, then it is a very short process to letting
go. If you are holding an object in your hand, it really takes no
time to let it go but if you are unwilling to let it go for whatever
reason than you would need to get to a place of willingness
before you actually let go. But still, it does not require a terribly
long time to get to that place.
Q: What do you mean by "taking responsibility"?
A: It is a very good question, a word that we need to define
because there are so many ways to talk about this word. Taking
responsibility is a key that opens many doors. But when we use
the word what are we really talking about? If I say "I am
responsible", am I saying "I am someone who fulfills my
obligations" or am I saying, "It is my fault" or am I saying "I am in
charge" of something. Am I saying, I "own" something if
someone asks for example, "who is responsible for this car?" or
am I talking about "causing" something such as, "who is
responsible for this action"? There are legal definitions and there
are moral definitions. From a psychological point of view and
particularly when we talk about our emotions, taking
responsibility simply means that I own my emotions. These are
my emotions, they are not your emotions and you are not the
cause of my emotions. The way we disown responsibility for our
emotions is when we say, in so many ways, "you are the cause of
my feelings" and if I believe this then of course I am justified in
blaming you, punishing you, nagging you and complaining about
what you do or did to me. It is a never- ending circle until I break
out of it by saying, "I own my emotions". When I own my
emotions or take responsibility for them, then and only then can
I truly do something about them. And doing something about
them simply means learning to let them go.
Q: But what about being superficial?
A: Well, if you call superficial as dealing with what is on the
surface, it is definitely the place where we begin but not
necessarily the place where we remain. Therapy is about dealing
with the obvious, not searching for hidden meanings. You can
think of your inner life as one that is layered, kind of like an
onion. You are aware of whatever you are aware of in yourself
and that is where we start. But as you begin to remove these
layers, you go more into the depth of yourself. So it is a process
more like shedding old skin, letting go of the old making way for
the new. You cannot create a happy life on top of a shaky or
negative foundation.
Q: Is your approach spiritual in nature?
A: That is a very involved question that requires some
clarification on just what we mean when we use the word
"spiritual". My view is that we are spiritual beings, it is our true
identity and nature. To me, it is not a a concept or some theory.
The truth is, is that we typically don't identify ourselves as such.
If I asked you the question, "Who are you?", what would you
say? You might tell me your name, what you do for a living,
whether you are married, how much money you make, what you
believe in and so on. The idea is that we have identified ourselves
with all of these things, our name, our work, our family, how
much money we make, our possessions, our belief systems and
so on. We can only begin to know ourselves as spiritual beings
when we can let go of our identification with these things. And I
am not saying that we should not have things; it's only our
identification with and meanings we attach to things that we
need to let go of. When we can get to the point where we can
say, I have things but I am not those things then we begin to
open ourselves up to our true nature which is our spiritual self.
Our spiritual self is that which is the creator of our reality not the
object of the creation. This is not something that we typically talk
about in therapy because it is not necessary. We only deal with
what is, what is real, what you are currently struggling with. That
is all that is necessary.
Q: Does your approach last?
A: That is a good question because the truth is, that nothing
lasts at least in this world. If you succeed in letting go of a
certain negative emotion you could always pick it up again. But
when you can fully experience what it means to let go, then why
would you? But the fact is that we sometimes do, if for no other
reason because it is a familiar way of coping. I continue to have
so called negative emotions every day and you won't stop having
them either. The point is how long we hang on to them. When
you can learn the art of letting go then negative emotions don't
hang around too long. You can actually get to the place where
the moment they come in, is the same moment they go out. But
for some things it takes a little working through. I still struggle
with certain things in my life that I haven't fully released. I don't
expect that I will stop struggling. But if you can learn this simple
technique then you have learned a technique for life, a tool so to
speak which you can use any time and any place to come to
peace of mind. And the more you use it the better you get at it.
While I still have my struggles, I can honestly say that I have
never been more at peace with myself than at this point in my life
even when I am in the midst of a struggle. And let me add, you
really want to get to a place where you are not hanging on to
anything even so called positive emotions. The point is to create
flow in your life which, I believe, opens up the way for true
happiness.
Email me with any questions that you have and I will post my
response on this page
Q: What does it actually mean to "let go" of something
A: We all experience upsetting situations in our lives. The fact of
the matter is that these situations are, in reality, over and done
but what is left over are our emotional reactions to the situation.
When I talk about letting go I am talking about letting go of our
emotions about the situation.
Q: But aren't certain emotions normal in a situation?
A: Of course they are. And it is not that we should not feel
certain feelings. The question is how long we hang on to the
feelings. Some people hang on to certain feelings way beyond
their time. Some people hang on to certain feelings for a lifetime
and are never able to let go.
Q: This sounds a lot like "just get over it". Is that what I
am understanding you to say?
A: Telling yourself or someone else to just "get over it" is not
what this work is about. The truth is, we feel what we feel and we
need to acknowledge what we feel whether it is to ourselves or to
another. Yes, we do need to get over things for our own
happiness and well-being but it is more than just commanding
ourselves to do so. We need to acknowledge and accept our
emotions for what they are, and to evaluate for ourselves what a
certain emotion is doing to us, how it is effecting us, before we
can choose to let it go. We also need to evaluate our resistances
to letting go because all of us have them. As human beings we
often feel more secure in our misery than opening ourselves up
to the unknown of possibilities.
Q: You talk about therapy taking a short time. You've even
used words like "instant" therapy. How can therapy be so
quick? I know some people who have been in therapy for
a long time.
A: One factor that often determines the length of therapy is the
therapist's viewpoint and definition of the therapeutic process.
Many therapists are steeped in the writings and techniques of
Freud who gave a lot of importance to uncovering early childhood
experiences and developing a "transference" with the therapist.
And of course the assumption is that this process takes a long
time sometimes years or, as in Woody Allen's case, a lifetime.
Unless you are in psychoanalysis, the stereotype of "lying on the
couch" is a thing of the past. I do believe that we are a product
of our past experiences but it is the emotions that we carry in
the present that grew out of these experiences that are still with
us. This is why the focus on the present is essential. When you
address your present emotions, whatever they are, you are at
the same time dealing with your past. You don't necessarily have
to go back and dig things up.
Q: It seems like your approach is too easy or even
superficial.
A: I would say my approach is simple but not necessarily easy
because we still must address certain inner resistances. That is
what usually takes some time, and courage, to understand all of
your fears and resistances to letting go. And many people do not
take responsibility for their emotions and consequently get into
the blame game, the victim game or denial game, so we first need
to identify the emotions and then unravel all of the things that
keep you stuck with it. When you can undo all of the things that
keep an emotion stuck, then it is a very short process to letting
go. If you are holding an object in your hand, it really takes no
time to let it go but if you are unwilling to let it go for whatever
reason than you would need to get to a place of willingness
before you actually let go. But still, it does not require a terribly
long time to get to that place.
Q: What do you mean by "taking responsibility"?
A: It is a very good question, a word that we need to define
because there are so many ways to talk about this word. Taking
responsibility is a key that opens many doors. But when we use
the word what are we really talking about? If I say "I am
responsible", am I saying "I am someone who fulfills my
obligations" or am I saying, "It is my fault" or am I saying "I am in
charge" of something. Am I saying, I "own" something if
someone asks for example, "who is responsible for this car?" or
am I talking about "causing" something such as, "who is
responsible for this action"? There are legal definitions and there
are moral definitions. From a psychological point of view and
particularly when we talk about our emotions, taking
responsibility simply means that I own my emotions. These are
my emotions, they are not your emotions and you are not the
cause of my emotions. The way we disown responsibility for our
emotions is when we say, in so many ways, "you are the cause of
my feelings" and if I believe this then of course I am justified in
blaming you, punishing you, nagging you and complaining about
what you do or did to me. It is a never- ending circle until I break
out of it by saying, "I own my emotions". When I own my
emotions or take responsibility for them, then and only then can
I truly do something about them. And doing something about
them simply means learning to let them go.
Q: But what about being superficial?
A: Well, if you call superficial as dealing with what is on the
surface, it is definitely the place where we begin but not
necessarily the place where we remain. Therapy is about dealing
with the obvious, not searching for hidden meanings. You can
think of your inner life as one that is layered, kind of like an
onion. You are aware of whatever you are aware of in yourself
and that is where we start. But as you begin to remove these
layers, you go more into the depth of yourself. So it is a process
more like shedding old skin, letting go of the old making way for
the new. You cannot create a happy life on top of a shaky or
negative foundation.
Q: Is your approach spiritual in nature?
A: That is a very involved question that requires some
clarification on just what we mean when we use the word
"spiritual". My view is that we are spiritual beings, it is our true
identity and nature. To me, it is not a a concept or some theory.
The truth is, is that we typically don't identify ourselves as such.
If I asked you the question, "Who are you?", what would you
say? You might tell me your name, what you do for a living,
whether you are married, how much money you make, what you
believe in and so on. The idea is that we have identified ourselves
with all of these things, our name, our work, our family, how
much money we make, our possessions, our belief systems and
so on. We can only begin to know ourselves as spiritual beings
when we can let go of our identification with these things. And I
am not saying that we should not have things; it's only our
identification with and meanings we attach to things that we
need to let go of. When we can get to the point where we can
say, I have things but I am not those things then we begin to
open ourselves up to our true nature which is our spiritual self.
Our spiritual self is that which is the creator of our reality not the
object of the creation. This is not something that we typically talk
about in therapy because it is not necessary. We only deal with
what is, what is real, what you are currently struggling with. That
is all that is necessary.
Q: Does your approach last?
A: That is a good question because the truth is, that nothing
lasts at least in this world. If you succeed in letting go of a
certain negative emotion you could always pick it up again. But
when you can fully experience what it means to let go, then why
would you? But the fact is that we sometimes do, if for no other
reason because it is a familiar way of coping. I continue to have
so called negative emotions every day and you won't stop having
them either. The point is how long we hang on to them. When
you can learn the art of letting go then negative emotions don't
hang around too long. You can actually get to the place where
the moment they come in, is the same moment they go out. But
for some things it takes a little working through. I still struggle
with certain things in my life that I haven't fully released. I don't
expect that I will stop struggling. But if you can learn this simple
technique then you have learned a technique for life, a tool so to
speak which you can use any time and any place to come to
peace of mind. And the more you use it the better you get at it.
While I still have my struggles, I can honestly say that I have
never been more at peace with myself than at this point in my life
even when I am in the midst of a struggle. And let me add, you
really want to get to a place where you are not hanging on to
anything even so called positive emotions. The point is to create
flow in your life which, I believe, opens up the way for true
happiness.
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