| Accepting What Is © Cort Curtis, Ph.D. |
One of the greatest paradoxes of human existence is
understanding the process of change. When something goes
"wrong", when a partner does something offensive or when we
are not satisfied with some aspect of our lives we will
immediately feel an unpleasant emotion such as anger,
resentment, fear, sadness or disappointment. When we feel
unpleasant feelings our first impulse is to rush in and try to
"change" the situation. The basic belief that underscores the
need to change is, "this should not be". If something goes
"wrong" we must "fix" it, if a partner does something offensive
we must criticize him or her until he or she "changes their
ways". Anything to avoid the reality of our feelings. Eventually
we come to the realization that "trying to change" the situation
(or another) often leads to the opposite result—no change at
all.
When we turn our attention on to our own feelings, we often
take the same attitude. We try to "do" something about the
way we feel. This "doing something” about our feelings often
results in avoiding the emotions in any number of ways. We
may try to "pretend" not to feel what we feel, we may
"medicate" the feeling either through "legal" or "illegal" drugs, we
might drink over it, gamble over it, sleep over it or even act the
feelings out. The more we try to "get rid" of what we feel, the
more the emotion seems to hang around. Again, no change at
all.
What if, instead of "trying to change" the situation or our
feelings we consider the possibility of acceptance? When we
consider the possibility of accepting something, our first
response is often, "why would I want to accept this rotten
feeling?" (or even accept this rotten situation or horrible
behavior of another). And so our first response might be to
reject the notion of "acceptance". But let's look at what
happens when we truly seek to "accept" an unpleasant reality.
Acceptance does not mean "putting up with" or "tolerating",
"settling" or passively ignoring a certain reality. Accepting
something is an active process. When we accept something
unpleasant we are giving our total attention to it. We are facing
it, we are addressing it, we are engaged with it. We are seeking
to understand. Accepting our emotions means that we
acknowledge the reality of what we feel either to ourselves or to
another. Accepting an unpleasant situation means that we
stand present to it.
Some of the greatest barriers to acceptance are our own
judgments and evaluations. We say in many different ways,
"this is bad", "this is wrong", "this should not be". And so we
want to "control". And the outcome of trying to control always
maintains the status quo. When we can let go of our judgments
and evaluations and our need to control, even for a moment, we
open up the possibility for change to happen by itself. Instead
of engaging in the need to control, we engage in the possibility
of trust and humility. And humility is nothing more than the
realization that I'm not in control. How something "is" is how
something is. It is the phenomenon of the moment. To expect
that I am going to change "what is" into what it is not, is
impossible. Being in control is actually an illusion. I am not going
to change anything into what it is not. Letting go and stepping
back from the situation enables the possibility for us to see the
same situation in a new light and to make choices that are in
our own best interests.
Instead of "turning away" from an unpleasant reality whether it
is "in here" or "out there", seek to give your total attention to it.
Embrace it, acknowledge it, own your part in it. Know that
whatever you feel is understandable; it’s not bad, it’s not
wrong, and it’s not that you “shouldn’t.” As you learn to “be
with” the feeling, you can begin to discover the possibility of
letting go of that which is holding you back or creating
unhappiness.
understanding the process of change. When something goes
"wrong", when a partner does something offensive or when we
are not satisfied with some aspect of our lives we will
immediately feel an unpleasant emotion such as anger,
resentment, fear, sadness or disappointment. When we feel
unpleasant feelings our first impulse is to rush in and try to
"change" the situation. The basic belief that underscores the
need to change is, "this should not be". If something goes
"wrong" we must "fix" it, if a partner does something offensive
we must criticize him or her until he or she "changes their
ways". Anything to avoid the reality of our feelings. Eventually
we come to the realization that "trying to change" the situation
(or another) often leads to the opposite result—no change at
all.
When we turn our attention on to our own feelings, we often
take the same attitude. We try to "do" something about the
way we feel. This "doing something” about our feelings often
results in avoiding the emotions in any number of ways. We
may try to "pretend" not to feel what we feel, we may
"medicate" the feeling either through "legal" or "illegal" drugs, we
might drink over it, gamble over it, sleep over it or even act the
feelings out. The more we try to "get rid" of what we feel, the
more the emotion seems to hang around. Again, no change at
all.
What if, instead of "trying to change" the situation or our
feelings we consider the possibility of acceptance? When we
consider the possibility of accepting something, our first
response is often, "why would I want to accept this rotten
feeling?" (or even accept this rotten situation or horrible
behavior of another). And so our first response might be to
reject the notion of "acceptance". But let's look at what
happens when we truly seek to "accept" an unpleasant reality.
Acceptance does not mean "putting up with" or "tolerating",
"settling" or passively ignoring a certain reality. Accepting
something is an active process. When we accept something
unpleasant we are giving our total attention to it. We are facing
it, we are addressing it, we are engaged with it. We are seeking
to understand. Accepting our emotions means that we
acknowledge the reality of what we feel either to ourselves or to
another. Accepting an unpleasant situation means that we
stand present to it.
Some of the greatest barriers to acceptance are our own
judgments and evaluations. We say in many different ways,
"this is bad", "this is wrong", "this should not be". And so we
want to "control". And the outcome of trying to control always
maintains the status quo. When we can let go of our judgments
and evaluations and our need to control, even for a moment, we
open up the possibility for change to happen by itself. Instead
of engaging in the need to control, we engage in the possibility
of trust and humility. And humility is nothing more than the
realization that I'm not in control. How something "is" is how
something is. It is the phenomenon of the moment. To expect
that I am going to change "what is" into what it is not, is
impossible. Being in control is actually an illusion. I am not going
to change anything into what it is not. Letting go and stepping
back from the situation enables the possibility for us to see the
same situation in a new light and to make choices that are in
our own best interests.
Instead of "turning away" from an unpleasant reality whether it
is "in here" or "out there", seek to give your total attention to it.
Embrace it, acknowledge it, own your part in it. Know that
whatever you feel is understandable; it’s not bad, it’s not
wrong, and it’s not that you “shouldn’t.” As you learn to “be
with” the feeling, you can begin to discover the possibility of
letting go of that which is holding you back or creating
unhappiness.
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