THE SIX ALLOWANCES
Cort Curtis, Ph.D.
Therapy at its essence is all about helping you deal with your feelings and
emotions. All of us have our unique situation, relationships and circumstances that
are happening in our lives and it is often the circumstance that leads a person to
seek help. And there may be many things that you can DO to deal with your
circumstance more effectively and appropriately. But consider this: It is NOT the
situation that is the problem but rather the FEELINGS and EMOTIONS that you
FEEL in the situation that is the problem. We don’t often look at our own feelings.
We look OUTSIDE of us as the source of the problem and then we try to FIX OR
CHANGE the circumstance. This rarely, if ever, makes any difference to our real
happiness and well-being.
Life throws at us ALL KINDS of situations, events and circumstances: rejections by
loved ones, loss of money, divorce, death of a loved one, children not growing up
and finding themselves, someone acting in ways that are disturbing to us, the
water heater going out, getting a flat tire, someone stealing something, business
going under, someone rejecting us, animals getting sick, someone criticizing me,
someone cutting in front of me in line, someone taking too much time, spouse
having an affair and on and on and on. If there is ONE THING true about life—IT IS
ONE THING AFTER ANOTHER. The events of life don’t always go the way we
want, and so we feel FEELINGS and EMOTIONS: sad, angry, unloved, guilt,
inadequate, fear, needy, resentment, hurt, embarrassed, worthless and sometimes
even suicidal. So what are we to do?
The answer is NOT in trying to FIX the circumstance, person or situation at least
as a first step. Nor is it even to immediately change our behavior. The answer is
FIRST to deal with the emotions because if I haven’t dealt with my emotions I will
tend to CARRY that emotion into the next situation and PLAY IT OUT OVER AND
OVER. This is most evident when we realize that we carry UNFINISHED EMOTIONS
from our childhood. ANY EMOTION that is UNFINISHED from our childhood WILL
get played out in the present. We end up marrying our mothers or marrying our
fathers, or my spouse begins to act JUST like one of my parents. It is NO
ACCIDENT that we are involved with the people and situations we are attracted to
because they are providing us ANOTHER OPPORTUNITY to deal with these
feelings.
THE PROBLEM is NOT out there. It is INSIDE. When I deal with the feelings FIRST
then I can effectively deal with the unpleasant event or circumstance. This is THE
WORK that ALL of us as human beings must engage in if we are to grow into our
wholeness, peace and joy. It is all about LOVING WHAT IS or FORGIVING WHAT
IS and returning to our peace of mind DESPITE the event or circumstance. THAT
is what is possible to discover: that my peace of mind is NOT dependent on the
circumstance or situation CHANGING. But when I CHANGE FIRST I can recognize
the choices that are truly available to me and learn to BRING a new feeling or
attitude to my situation.
When you can instead reflect on your emotions you have an opportunity to bring
real change to your life. When you deal with your emotions FIRST then you
develop a greater perspective on your situation and a clearer vision on the
appropriate ACTIONS for you to take in that situation. Often, when you deal with
your emotions first, the ACTIONS appropriate for you to take are REVEALED to
you rather then someone telling you what you SHOULD or SHOULD NOT do in that
situation. Therapy is about helping you to UNDO all of the blocks to taking
effective action in your situation and bringing peace and happiness to your life.
Your emotions are the SOURCE of your unhappiness NOT your situation.
Dealing effectively with your emotions is basically a six step process. It is a process
of first IDENTIFYING those emotions and then learning to UNDO them. I have come
up with a simple 6 step process that helps you see what we are doing in therapy.
LETTING IT UP
Letting up your emotions is a process first of REVEALING your emotions to
yourself. You need not look any further than the sensations you experience in
your body and the inner conversation you are playing on the private stage of your
mind. Our emotions are RIGHT THERE yet we easily skip over them because, 1)
we fail to give any importance to them, 2) we live “inside” of them, 3) we deny or
avoid them, or 4) we look outside of ourselves (to the situation, person or
circumstance) and say in effect THAT is the problem.
Your emotions ARE important because you experience them. As human beings,
you and I experience a BROAD RANGE and VARIETY of different feelings in
different situations. Our emotions, pleasant or unpleasant are our VITALITY and
they are TELLING US something (albeit not always adequately). Living inside your
emotions is like living inside a box. You can’t “see” the box because you live inside.
All you see are four walls, a floor and a ceiling. When you live “inside” an emotion,
you can't observe it. You ARE the emotion and thus there is nothing to do than to
ACT it out or USE it as a means for attacking. DENYING our emotions is
PRETENDING that we don’t feel something and we have MANY reasons for the
denial which often have their ORIGIN in childhood. And when we make the
situation the CAUSE for our emotions we are making a fundamental mistake.
There is NO CAUSE for my feelings outside of me. I AM the only cause for my
feelings. When I make YOU the cause, then I am perpetually upset because I will
find it impossible to change you. The ONLY problem with an emotion (or feeling) is
NOT that we feel it but rather HOW LONG we hang on to it, and THAT is the
source of our unhappiness.
LETTING IT OUT
Letting out the emotion is NAMING the emotion and ACKNOWLEDGING the
emotion. When I acknowledge my emotion I am OBSERVING it, and observing it is
STEPPING OUTSIDE of it. When I can “step outside” of my emotions I recognize
that I am NOT my emotions. I HAVE emotions but I am not my emotions. KNOWING
that I am not my emotions opens up the path for me to effectively DEAL with them.
When I “name” an emotion, what exactly am I referring to? Every emotion has
“parts” to it. There is an INTENSITY to that feeling, there is the PHYSICAL
EXPRESSION (where I feel it in my body), there are THOUGHTS I am telling myself
(inner conversations), there are IMAGES, there are MEMORIES and there are
BEHAVIORS. It is often important to get in touch with the components of an
emotion in order to UNDO that emotion, to literally “take it apart”.
LETTING IT BE
Letting an emotion BE is learning to ACCEPT the reality of what you feel. You can’t
really deal with any emotion that you don’t first accept. Our first tendency is to
AVOID our emotions particularly the unpleasant ones (like resentment, anger,
hurt, guilt, fear, feeling unloved, embarrassment, shame, sadness, etc). Avoiding
our emotions is our unconscious way of REJECTING them. Avoiding or resisting or
suppressing an emotion, doesn’t make it go away. It only pushes it underground
and it takes a toll on our well-being and can even turn to illness and disease.
The paradox of ALLOWING an emotion opens up the possibility of getting free of it.
LETTING IT GO
RELEASING the feelings is ESSENTIAL to your happiness and well-being because
you can’t be happy and miserable at the same time! Yet we ALL have enormous
resistances to letting go. Consider this: while I may be miserable I am really very
attached to my misery. This is all about the “EGO” which is nothing more than my
self-image or belief system that I HOLD about myself. The ego IS my misery. It is
MADE UP of all kinds of negative thoughts and feelings that I then PROJECT OUT
onto the world. The ego is who I say I AM but when I identify with the ego I am
making a fundamental mistake. It is the same mistake of identifying the “part” with
the “whole”. The PART of anything is not the WHOLE of it just as the drop of
water is not the ocean nor is the sunbeam the sun. The ego (which is made up
thoughts, feelings and images) is a PART of me. You and I HAVE an ego but we
are NOT our egos. When I know that I am not my ego then there is no problem in
LETTING GO of the negative thoughts and feelings that go to make it up. Letting
go of an emotion is letting go of all of the resistances that KEEP ME HANGIN’ ON.
LETTING IT IN
Once you have released the negative, persistent emotions, you now have space
to feel something new, something of your own creation. It is a GREAT
empowerment to know that I am in charge of my emotions and that I am
responsible for my emotions—ALL of them, even the so called “negative” ones—
and also the “positive” ones. I can choose to feel exactly the way I want to feel but
I CANNOT feel the positive ones (like peace, love and joy) ON TOP of the negative
ones (like anger, guilt and fear). That is why it is ESSENTIAL to let go of the
negative to make room for the positive. If I haven’t done that it is the same thing as
putting icing on mud and calling it a cake.
So what do I really want to feel even in the midst of my circumstance or situation?
Peace? Joy? Love? Is it possible? Yes, IT IS POSSIBLE and it is often a function
of simply INVITING those feelings in AFTER I have succeeded in letting go.
LETTING GOD or LETTING IT FLOW
We have all heard of the term “let go and let God”. "God" is simply a name for
NOTHING MORE than all that IS. We don’t have to get religious or spiritual to know
what that means. ALL it means to “let God” is to ALLOW what IS to BE, recognizing
that change is HAPPENING ALL THE TIME. All we have to do in our lives is GET
OUT OF THE WAY and allow the situation to change and UNFOLD by itself.
Consider that life IS beneficient that everything that is happening IS for good and
that it ALL turns out (yes, happily ever after). Trying to control things simply means
that I don’t trust the unfolding of things and when I try to control the outcome I will
INEVITABLY mess things up.
Life is PERFECT just the way it is, the events and circumstances are perfect, you
and I are perfectly imperfect and IT IS ALL WORKING OUT if only I step back and
get out of the way. All I have to do is step back and ALLOW them to work out and
lo and behold I discover that they ALWAYS DO. Your ego will ALWAYS question
this and try to show PROOF how it is NOT working out by POINTING to the
circumstance. This does not mean that I don't take action or sit passively by but
rather learn to LISTEN to what is CALLING ME to do or be in the situation.
Letting God is all about realizing how little control you and I have in the unfolding
of our lives. Consider that most of us are “control mad” trying to change things we
cannot change. And even if we have managed to control events “just the way I
want it” it comes at an ENORMOUS cost to our happiness and well-being. Even if I
get to the point of saying “I have life just the way I want it” the next moment it
changes into something else. Life is very much like water. You can’t hold it in your
hand, you can only flow with it. When you can GIVE UP trying to control things and
instead learn to flow with the direction that life is taking you, you discover your true
God-given potential to be happy. Consider this: God’s will for you is PERFECT
happiness.
Cort Curtis, Ph.D.
Therapy at its essence is all about helping you deal with your feelings and
emotions. All of us have our unique situation, relationships and circumstances that
are happening in our lives and it is often the circumstance that leads a person to
seek help. And there may be many things that you can DO to deal with your
circumstance more effectively and appropriately. But consider this: It is NOT the
situation that is the problem but rather the FEELINGS and EMOTIONS that you
FEEL in the situation that is the problem. We don’t often look at our own feelings.
We look OUTSIDE of us as the source of the problem and then we try to FIX OR
CHANGE the circumstance. This rarely, if ever, makes any difference to our real
happiness and well-being.
Life throws at us ALL KINDS of situations, events and circumstances: rejections by
loved ones, loss of money, divorce, death of a loved one, children not growing up
and finding themselves, someone acting in ways that are disturbing to us, the
water heater going out, getting a flat tire, someone stealing something, business
going under, someone rejecting us, animals getting sick, someone criticizing me,
someone cutting in front of me in line, someone taking too much time, spouse
having an affair and on and on and on. If there is ONE THING true about life—IT IS
ONE THING AFTER ANOTHER. The events of life don’t always go the way we
want, and so we feel FEELINGS and EMOTIONS: sad, angry, unloved, guilt,
inadequate, fear, needy, resentment, hurt, embarrassed, worthless and sometimes
even suicidal. So what are we to do?
The answer is NOT in trying to FIX the circumstance, person or situation at least
as a first step. Nor is it even to immediately change our behavior. The answer is
FIRST to deal with the emotions because if I haven’t dealt with my emotions I will
tend to CARRY that emotion into the next situation and PLAY IT OUT OVER AND
OVER. This is most evident when we realize that we carry UNFINISHED EMOTIONS
from our childhood. ANY EMOTION that is UNFINISHED from our childhood WILL
get played out in the present. We end up marrying our mothers or marrying our
fathers, or my spouse begins to act JUST like one of my parents. It is NO
ACCIDENT that we are involved with the people and situations we are attracted to
because they are providing us ANOTHER OPPORTUNITY to deal with these
feelings.
THE PROBLEM is NOT out there. It is INSIDE. When I deal with the feelings FIRST
then I can effectively deal with the unpleasant event or circumstance. This is THE
WORK that ALL of us as human beings must engage in if we are to grow into our
wholeness, peace and joy. It is all about LOVING WHAT IS or FORGIVING WHAT
IS and returning to our peace of mind DESPITE the event or circumstance. THAT
is what is possible to discover: that my peace of mind is NOT dependent on the
circumstance or situation CHANGING. But when I CHANGE FIRST I can recognize
the choices that are truly available to me and learn to BRING a new feeling or
attitude to my situation.
When you can instead reflect on your emotions you have an opportunity to bring
real change to your life. When you deal with your emotions FIRST then you
develop a greater perspective on your situation and a clearer vision on the
appropriate ACTIONS for you to take in that situation. Often, when you deal with
your emotions first, the ACTIONS appropriate for you to take are REVEALED to
you rather then someone telling you what you SHOULD or SHOULD NOT do in that
situation. Therapy is about helping you to UNDO all of the blocks to taking
effective action in your situation and bringing peace and happiness to your life.
Your emotions are the SOURCE of your unhappiness NOT your situation.
Dealing effectively with your emotions is basically a six step process. It is a process
of first IDENTIFYING those emotions and then learning to UNDO them. I have come
up with a simple 6 step process that helps you see what we are doing in therapy.
LETTING IT UP
Letting up your emotions is a process first of REVEALING your emotions to
yourself. You need not look any further than the sensations you experience in
your body and the inner conversation you are playing on the private stage of your
mind. Our emotions are RIGHT THERE yet we easily skip over them because, 1)
we fail to give any importance to them, 2) we live “inside” of them, 3) we deny or
avoid them, or 4) we look outside of ourselves (to the situation, person or
circumstance) and say in effect THAT is the problem.
Your emotions ARE important because you experience them. As human beings,
you and I experience a BROAD RANGE and VARIETY of different feelings in
different situations. Our emotions, pleasant or unpleasant are our VITALITY and
they are TELLING US something (albeit not always adequately). Living inside your
emotions is like living inside a box. You can’t “see” the box because you live inside.
All you see are four walls, a floor and a ceiling. When you live “inside” an emotion,
you can't observe it. You ARE the emotion and thus there is nothing to do than to
ACT it out or USE it as a means for attacking. DENYING our emotions is
PRETENDING that we don’t feel something and we have MANY reasons for the
denial which often have their ORIGIN in childhood. And when we make the
situation the CAUSE for our emotions we are making a fundamental mistake.
There is NO CAUSE for my feelings outside of me. I AM the only cause for my
feelings. When I make YOU the cause, then I am perpetually upset because I will
find it impossible to change you. The ONLY problem with an emotion (or feeling) is
NOT that we feel it but rather HOW LONG we hang on to it, and THAT is the
source of our unhappiness.
LETTING IT OUT
Letting out the emotion is NAMING the emotion and ACKNOWLEDGING the
emotion. When I acknowledge my emotion I am OBSERVING it, and observing it is
STEPPING OUTSIDE of it. When I can “step outside” of my emotions I recognize
that I am NOT my emotions. I HAVE emotions but I am not my emotions. KNOWING
that I am not my emotions opens up the path for me to effectively DEAL with them.
When I “name” an emotion, what exactly am I referring to? Every emotion has
“parts” to it. There is an INTENSITY to that feeling, there is the PHYSICAL
EXPRESSION (where I feel it in my body), there are THOUGHTS I am telling myself
(inner conversations), there are IMAGES, there are MEMORIES and there are
BEHAVIORS. It is often important to get in touch with the components of an
emotion in order to UNDO that emotion, to literally “take it apart”.
LETTING IT BE
Letting an emotion BE is learning to ACCEPT the reality of what you feel. You can’t
really deal with any emotion that you don’t first accept. Our first tendency is to
AVOID our emotions particularly the unpleasant ones (like resentment, anger,
hurt, guilt, fear, feeling unloved, embarrassment, shame, sadness, etc). Avoiding
our emotions is our unconscious way of REJECTING them. Avoiding or resisting or
suppressing an emotion, doesn’t make it go away. It only pushes it underground
and it takes a toll on our well-being and can even turn to illness and disease.
The paradox of ALLOWING an emotion opens up the possibility of getting free of it.
LETTING IT GO
RELEASING the feelings is ESSENTIAL to your happiness and well-being because
you can’t be happy and miserable at the same time! Yet we ALL have enormous
resistances to letting go. Consider this: while I may be miserable I am really very
attached to my misery. This is all about the “EGO” which is nothing more than my
self-image or belief system that I HOLD about myself. The ego IS my misery. It is
MADE UP of all kinds of negative thoughts and feelings that I then PROJECT OUT
onto the world. The ego is who I say I AM but when I identify with the ego I am
making a fundamental mistake. It is the same mistake of identifying the “part” with
the “whole”. The PART of anything is not the WHOLE of it just as the drop of
water is not the ocean nor is the sunbeam the sun. The ego (which is made up
thoughts, feelings and images) is a PART of me. You and I HAVE an ego but we
are NOT our egos. When I know that I am not my ego then there is no problem in
LETTING GO of the negative thoughts and feelings that go to make it up. Letting
go of an emotion is letting go of all of the resistances that KEEP ME HANGIN’ ON.
LETTING IT IN
Once you have released the negative, persistent emotions, you now have space
to feel something new, something of your own creation. It is a GREAT
empowerment to know that I am in charge of my emotions and that I am
responsible for my emotions—ALL of them, even the so called “negative” ones—
and also the “positive” ones. I can choose to feel exactly the way I want to feel but
I CANNOT feel the positive ones (like peace, love and joy) ON TOP of the negative
ones (like anger, guilt and fear). That is why it is ESSENTIAL to let go of the
negative to make room for the positive. If I haven’t done that it is the same thing as
putting icing on mud and calling it a cake.
So what do I really want to feel even in the midst of my circumstance or situation?
Peace? Joy? Love? Is it possible? Yes, IT IS POSSIBLE and it is often a function
of simply INVITING those feelings in AFTER I have succeeded in letting go.
LETTING GOD or LETTING IT FLOW
We have all heard of the term “let go and let God”. "God" is simply a name for
NOTHING MORE than all that IS. We don’t have to get religious or spiritual to know
what that means. ALL it means to “let God” is to ALLOW what IS to BE, recognizing
that change is HAPPENING ALL THE TIME. All we have to do in our lives is GET
OUT OF THE WAY and allow the situation to change and UNFOLD by itself.
Consider that life IS beneficient that everything that is happening IS for good and
that it ALL turns out (yes, happily ever after). Trying to control things simply means
that I don’t trust the unfolding of things and when I try to control the outcome I will
INEVITABLY mess things up.
Life is PERFECT just the way it is, the events and circumstances are perfect, you
and I are perfectly imperfect and IT IS ALL WORKING OUT if only I step back and
get out of the way. All I have to do is step back and ALLOW them to work out and
lo and behold I discover that they ALWAYS DO. Your ego will ALWAYS question
this and try to show PROOF how it is NOT working out by POINTING to the
circumstance. This does not mean that I don't take action or sit passively by but
rather learn to LISTEN to what is CALLING ME to do or be in the situation.
Letting God is all about realizing how little control you and I have in the unfolding
of our lives. Consider that most of us are “control mad” trying to change things we
cannot change. And even if we have managed to control events “just the way I
want it” it comes at an ENORMOUS cost to our happiness and well-being. Even if I
get to the point of saying “I have life just the way I want it” the next moment it
changes into something else. Life is very much like water. You can’t hold it in your
hand, you can only flow with it. When you can GIVE UP trying to control things and
instead learn to flow with the direction that life is taking you, you discover your true
God-given potential to be happy. Consider this: God’s will for you is PERFECT
happiness.
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |